I am so tired anymore.
I lie to my parents and family, and blame it on my health, which admittedly is not doing well. My body longs for sleep. All it wants is sleep.
Maybe this is an escape. My mind certainly loves the break, and dreams always await.
But I am so tired.
Today, I got up and did my morning routine (breakfast, sunspot count), with no problem. There was a bit of a headache. Not a migraine, but not a sinus headache either. Just a headache. After I reported my daily count to my colleagues in Belgium, I decided to stretch out on the bed for a few minutes. That was around 10:15am.
I awoke at noon.
Instead of getting up and keeping busy, I stayed in my room for a few more minutes, knowing that if I laid back down, I would probably wind up asleep once more. Fortunately, a change came in the form of my parents needing me to help them with their new bedframe.
Variety! A change! Hallelujah!
That took all of fifteen minutes.
But I did have another task lined up (studying the degradation of a large sunspot, observing a new one).
I was finished by 2:30pm. The headache was stronger.
I laid down again.
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This sleeping all the time is just how my body responds to depression nowadays. The only antidepressant I am on now is amitriptyline, It isn't strong enough. But as we know, most antidepressants don't work on me, probably because the triggers for my depression are more a result of the ASD. I've spoken with a number of people with the Asperger brand of depression, and they tell me that antidepressants just don't work. This might be the case. I tried to tell the one psychiatric nurse I was sent to that I might be on the spectrum, but she told me, straight up, that my insurance was only interested in getting me "well enough".
Well enough. You know, to be another thrall.
Sigh.
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I have an appointment next week with a doctor I've never met. He is working on behalf of the Social Security Administration. You see, I was advised that filing for disability for my major problems might not be a bad idea. Not sure where this is going to go. All I know is that I'm tired.
Very, very tired.
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One of the things I am most sorry for is laying at your feet those problems that were solely mine. If I felt a certain way, it was because of the problems I thought we were having. Sure, we bumped heads. But our fights never got that bad, and out of love for one another, we always apologized. It was more important that the other not hurt than to be right. As I was becoming involved in that whole 2005 - 2006 "Hurricane Daphne" mess, I was being torn asunder, and the fights, which were justified, just reinforced the trap. I was a fool.
Needless to say, it was never really your fault. In the end, a return to northeast Florida was a bad idea.
Looking back on it, I should have taken Jim Rollings up on the offer to return to the SFSM.
Thus go the best laid plans of mice.
And men.
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Believe it or not, I am laying in bed writing this. And yes, the sweet opiate of sleep is beckoning me. It isn't even that late, and I want to go back to sleep. Instead, I'm fighting it, and plan on getting up to do something. Sleeping away my life is not the answer.
Though it is a great short term solution.
Yours,
Corbie
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