Dear Trae, Just What Was It I Was Looking For, Exactly?

Thinking back to when I was a pre-teen, I had a rather skewed idea of what a romantic relationship would be like. When I was ten, soon to be eleven, all three of my older siblings were in relationships, with a couple being notable for their typically teenage lustiness. I saw this all the time, not just with my own family, but around me as well. I guess this was the result of living in an area, and an era, when it was all pretty much "anything goes". Forget the fact that a lot of these people were good, professed Christians. It was as if God and Jesus didn't matter six days a week. 

This shaped my expectations, and in the opposite direction, I might add. 

I didn't want to have a relationship where the sole purpose was to get into bed ASAP. I wanted "the One", the one true relationship that would last a lifetime. 

I used to envision how we'd meet. Some girl in a typically hippy-esque hat, at some sort of meeting, maybe a music recital. She'd be free spirited and intelligent, to match me (though "free spirited" is not a term I'd use now for my younger self, such is the realization that I am on the spectrum). We'd do all sorts of old fashioned romantic things, like take long walks through parks or maybe on the beach. We'd watch movies. We'd share a milkshake at the old soda bar at Courtesy Pharmacy. That's what I wanted.

Of course, this was all before the hormones kicked in. 

Even then, though, that vision persisted. 

-

When I had my first real crush (Cindy Brooks, eighth grade), I felt at times I couldn't breath when I was around her. This was a very short lived experience, for two weeks after I met her, she changed schools. Evidently, she and her family were living with another family while they were getting settled, and there is a very real possibility that she was related to a school rival of mine. Anyway, she met all the criteria; she was smart, she dressed, well, free spirited, she was pleasant to look at. 

And then she was gone. Like that. 

I was crushed. 

I guess that's why they're called crushes. 

-

That young lady set forth expectations that were actually unfair to me. I wanted someone who looked like her, for one (dark hair curly, light colored eyes, though her's were green). That was a bad thing, as it turned out. 

-

I think that, for a long time, those silly high school romantic notions skewed my expectations too much. The object of my affections was simply that, an object. They were never real. Oh, certainly, I've met some people who came damned close, but why on Earth was I letting a teenager dictate my choices in a partner? Coming to terms with that one little problem has been eye opening. 

What was it I was looking for?

I don't know.

Though I know what I like now, thanks to experience. 

I also think I have a better idea as to what I need.

Yours,

Corbie