Dear Trae, Let's Talk About Lying,

Since my diagnosis, I have become aware a bit more of what makes me tick. People on the ASD spectrum sometimes, usually oftentimes, feel threatened. This goes without saying. It's not unusual for us to be bullied mercilessly as children and young adults. Our motivations are frequently misunderstood, even by ourselves. That was certainly the case with me.
As a result, most of us on the spectrum have very strong self preservation mechanisms. We are adept at conflict avoidance.
And for me that was lying.
There are two primary reasons why I've lied; to protect myself, and to protect the emotions of others. Usually, these were little things, not even thinking really. Sometimes, though, they were more sinister, and by that nature, complicated.
I'm not going to sit here and say everybody lies. That may or may not be the case, who am I to say? But I know that I've lied.
The first lie that Jamie caught me in was back in 2007, that day when I didn't call her on my breaks, and instead was speaking with you about how things were going in my life (they were  typically going poorly, I might add). I don't even remember what I told her, except that it wasn't that I was speaking with you. Instead, she started prying and seeking the truth, and when she found out, she became extremely angry. She said that she could never trust me again.
That hurt.
But if I had told her that "oh, yeah, I was speaking with my estranged wife about how poorly things were going between you and I", certainly that would have gone over poorly as well.
I discovered very early in my renewed relationship with Jamie that she is hypersensitive, very easy to anger. I didn't, and still don't, always know how to handle her.
So I lied.
Forget that I've caught her lying.

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My lying to you about other things, towards the end, made the trap so much easier. My trap. Daphne spun an incredible web of lies, pulled me in, and the lies propagated along the line of least resistance. It shames me, still, after all this time, that I even got involved in that mess. We weren't getting along well at that time. You were rightfully angry about leaving a good job and taking a big chance, that never bore fruit. Daphne saw this, planted a seed of a tree that bore a different kind of fruit.
"I would be so much better for you," she said.
Instead of doing the right thing, I believed that lie, and begun spinning more myself to cover up for the illicit affair.
It was a tree that bore bitter fruit indeed.

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I do my best to be honest now. And where I can't be honest, I remain silent unless pressed. But I do my best to say nothing when it is in my best interest, and their's. Lying now has almost physical manifestations for me. It is simply better not to.
Now, I just have to work on moving past silence and on to verbal honesty when needed.
That might take some work.

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Believe me, though, when I say this.
I am sorry that I ever lied to you. You certainly deserved better. We both did, ultimately.

Namaste,
Corbie